tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8785887949791673089.post8811149432698375414..comments2023-06-01T06:24:16.717-06:00Comments on Creations of a Moon: Chapter 1Aidan Moonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12061084920075867196noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8785887949791673089.post-10431272589886546472012-02-20T14:22:10.295-07:002012-02-20T14:22:10.295-07:00Thank you for your commentary! I am really glad to...Thank you for your commentary! I am really glad to have someone give me constructive critiscism as well as telling me what was good about it. I appreciate it!Aidan Moonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12061084920075867196noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8785887949791673089.post-69006125921574344732012-02-19T18:54:27.681-07:002012-02-19T18:54:27.681-07:00Hi Aidan
Brilliant start! You write with real matu...Hi Aidan<br />Brilliant start! You write with real maturity and clearly have a natural talent. Your use of onomatopoeia (e.g. 'thwack') right at the start is a highly effective tool to engage the reader - it worked on me! I think it was also a really good idea to introduce the protagonist through dialogue before providing the more detailed background information on him. Another good technique. <br /><br />In terms of advice, perhaps think about quantifying certain elements in a bit more detail so that the reader can really picture the vision you're building. E.g.... a 'moderately large hall'. How large is that? Maybe use some similes or metaphors, etc. You have beautiful vocabulary... add more. More more more adjectives and adverbs. Make it come even more to life.<br /><br />Well done!! Great job. Keep them coming.Peggyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03064392116711122101noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8785887949791673089.post-8367149010685816792012-02-13T10:49:22.188-07:002012-02-13T10:49:22.188-07:00I just read this 1st chapter to Grandpa (Moon). W...I just read this 1st chapter to Grandpa (Moon). What a great story, good job! You have done the hard part, starting and putting it out there. The only suggestion we have is that you look at some of the punctuation, grammar, and sentence structure to be sure they are how you want them. These would be very small changes, if any. Great writing, Aidan!<br />One other suggestion I have is that you put the copy-write symbol at the end of each chapter. I do not want someone to take your great story and run with it! You need to protect your intellectual property.Ma & Pa Moonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07795241967342603723noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8785887949791673089.post-459499604044306242012-02-09T17:12:32.302-07:002012-02-09T17:12:32.302-07:00A good start. Looking forward to the next chapterA good start. Looking forward to the next chapterClydehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10360667975943810663noreply@blogger.com